I'm Not Supposed to Be Here

While there have been many wonderful moments I have experienced since I've moved here, I've really been afraid to write about the negative feelings.  Uncertainty, insecurity, loneliness, homesick, and the worst one, that I don't belong here.

A few of these relate to outside academic areas - specifically feelings of not having established as close of friendships as I have had at home, while also feeling that the friendships I have at home are slowly slipping away from me - most of them have dealt with feelings of inadequacy in my program.  I went from being so many things at my previous university - a smart, social leader who was happy in her small slice of the university that she got to impact - to being overwhelmed by all the things I should be here.  What's worse is that I feel as if my success at home has all my old loved ones expecting me to shine here, and I'm not as sure of that happening as I was a year ago.

While I know that feelings of burn-out aren't something to be ashamed of, especially when so many of my classmates are older and have had time off from school to have real work experience, the feelings of not cutting it in my classes and not having that work experience lead to an overwhelming sense of "not good enough".  And on top of that, I haven't felt I've had time to really figure out what I want to do with my life or even focus my research on, leaving the future wide open.  While that should be exhilarating, it's terrifying.  I'm flooded with feelings of "I'm not good enough", "I'm not ready" with being unsure if I ever will be, and ultimately that "I'm not supposed to be here".

It wasn't until I saw this video, that the words really fell into place for me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ks-_Mh1QhMc.   It's a TedTalk by Amy Cuddy who originally did social research, particularly on how body language effects self-feelings and beliefs.  The specific part that I will be referring to is the last five minutes (from about min 16 on) where she shares her own experience of how faking it til you make it (behaving in ways in order to feel more powerful and competent) made her feel like a fraud, and that who she "really was" wasn't supposed to be here.  It took one stubborn mentor figure to force her to keep doing it, and much further down the road she realized she didn't fake it til she made it, but faked it til she became it.

I know, deep down in my brain I know, that I do have that support - that I have mentors and friends here that do believe in me, even when I can't believe or see these things in myself.  And I know I can fake it until I become it, that I can find what I'm really passionate about, and that I won't feel ashamed or incompetent in going after what I want.  

And that's what I'm focusing on this summer.